Catching Your Breathe-

As I go I'm just trying to catch my breathe
One footstep a time
One heartbeat at a time
The air in front of me seems to be vanishing

As I move forward the air gets thinner
The lungs work harder
The heart beats slower
I could slow down but that would make me weaker

Every step quicker leaves new prints in the sand
Light headed and fuzzy
Or is it a buzz?
Is this different air than I used to breathe?

Traveling the road to a place anew
I've never been here before
All my surroundings are unknown
But this strange planet has something good about it

It's getting harder to breath
But my stride is getting faster
And my heart is growing stronger
Gasping and wheezing I've found my new home
In time I will adapt to life in this place

Renewal-

I am stumbling over the reasons
That I am so confused

I'm finding things out
I'm trying to renew

Once I was that
Now I am not

It does not mean
That I've changed a bit

Damage done
Done looking back

My future is unwritten
What's next?

R.I.P.-

Sleep is for the weak
And I am
Night has become a daunting task

Sitting in the darkness
Fretting about the day
Hours ticking by

Eyes peeled open
Brain fully exhausted
Rest in peace isn't here

Tossing, turning, yearning
What beautiful dreams are waiting?
I'll never know

Depleted, defeated
I am tired
Another night wasted, gone

Sleep is for the weak
And I am
But get none

At Night in Shanghai-

I remember the moment I first laid eyes on you
The way you swaggered by
And the tinge of smile as you caught my eye
I thought you were way out of my league

I was so intimidated
And I still am
I fear you like a tiger
The power you behold makes me shy

You hold a power, a presence
That I so very much admire
You are able to play me however you feel
I'll let you walk all over me and my desires

That first day I met you
Plays over and over in my mind
If only I had had more gumption
To say what I feel
Our connection would be more real

I woke up crying
Didn't know where I had been
Or where I was going

I woke up crying
Trembling from the inside out
Reality brings with it anxiety

I woke up crying
Dreams aren't real
I want to sleep forever

I woke up crying
Aching with sorrow
There is no point in trying

I woke up crying
I thought of talking to you
But I couldn't bring myself to it

I woke up crying
I don't know where I am
Or where I am going

when the flames rippled over me
It was your face in my mind

We were just standing there
With nothing to say
I walked away

When the flames charred my outsides
I still remembered your delicate touch

We were so close to being one
I would look in your eyes
But then things changed

When the flames brought me to my knees
I could still smell your hair

We never have should gone this far
From the beginning unto the end
Before the fire consumed all

The waves washed over our feet
We didn't speak a word
As we stared out into the sea
I wanted to swim out to the deep
And sink to the bottom...
But you looked me in the eyes
And gently took my hand
And smiled
My pain was forgotten

To Tell You-

In my ideal world
I can free verse and speak out loud
In my reality I am tongue tied

Trapped brain
Anxiety cranking up
I wanted to tell you...
But I can not spit it out

I wanted to tell you...
No, not how's the weather
It was soulful and from the heart
It was something so very important

Hold my hand
Look into my eyes
I wanted to tell you of my desires

But I won't say that

Instead I will chit chat
Mumble off some small talk
Nothing that requires real thought

There is something glorious in me
It just needs to be set free
I can burn passionately and brightly

I can be what you need
Give me a chance I will succeed
But this is something you'll never read
And I am too scared to speak and be revealed

Tell me again
What I'm supposed to say
That'll make you stay
And love me everyday

Worn Down-

Falling through the city
Blind and out of control
Leaving parts of myself behind
Smeared across the asphalt

Blurry eyed and sorrowful
A remnant of myself
Slowly dissappearing
Vanishing bit by bit

Shattered shards of love
Scattered and strewn about
No use in picking up the pieces
It's all just detritus

Throwing myself to the ground
I knew it was coming soon
Headstrong into forced deconstruction
I get what I feel I was deserving

This isn't what I want
This is what I get
Sabotaging myself with regret
Self implemented slow death

Suffering body matches emotions
I am broken inside and out
Blood on the ground
No will left in my heart
I am disintegrating
Falling apart

Can We Be-

I.
I am me and can never be anything but
You.
You are you and I'd never want to change that

Give and take
Gift and receive
Take and give
Receive and gift
As we please

I am not asking for much
Just a little
Simply to share myself
And be reciprocated by an other

The love I need is a two way street
As we pass by, may we embrace
Crash into each other, albeit delicate
Combine our states into one shared space

After we can unravel
There is no need to be bound by knots
Feel free, stay and marvel, or go travel
Be real, be open, share your thoughts

I am but a man bound by gravity
I ask no more, no less, than reality
I can not, will not, fly away
I ask no more of you than I ask of myself everyday

I don't want a traditional love
Feel free to stay or choose not
Perhaps some other day
Or consider in this moment
It is what it is
And what it is is just right

Night Sight-

In turns the night
And with it all shadows amalgamate
Darkness enshrouds your world

The sun has settled beyond the horizon
Left you exposed to the rushing cold
Blind without a light in sight

You can clamber and crawl
There is no right way out
Of the dark abscess you're in

Day will arrive, that is certain
But in the morning you won't remember where you've been
Either way the night will return and bring darkness again

To navigate alone and blindly
Has never been a part of your story
Until now. Until then.

Burn After Reading-

To get rid of everything
I must submit to loss
No, I never wanted these things anyway
They were never mine
Without them I'll be fine

How can one release everything
Distribute it into the universe
Shred all the documents
Burn all the letters
Will I regret destroying the evidence of our existence

Yet to be free...
The enticing pull
To have no more leash
To walk out on my lease
To finally be at peace

Is it the stuff
The material possessions that matter
Is it the love
That has burned out in disaster
Which one pulls harder

The opposing feelings of hanging on
The lingering ache that things aren't over
Nothing lasts forever
There is a choice I need to make
It's unfortunate my future is at stake

Sit Up Straight-

Eyes watering but open
I see through the blur
It is a distant memory fading away
But something's coming into view
I'm certain

Brushing the tears away
My sleeve is soaked
I can see a future
I don't know what it brings
I can only hope

Upside down
My eyes have yet to invert
From the new reality
I have been dealt

But I can no longer
Walk around bent backward over
Pretending to see correctly
It's been terrible for my posture

I wish you well
I bid you adieu
Go fuck yourself
I am done with you

Treading lightly
I float along the path
I trip and stumble
I am not so able

Fall up the hills
Sink deeply into the mud
Where am I going
What do I do with all this love

A Terrible Plan to Suppress-

My heart sings for you
But I silence it's voice
To be vulnerable would be intolerable
I won't allow that choice

To show myself alive
Free to be true
That would not do
I can not love you

My heart wants to express itself
Speak to you with no regrets
Open up and spillover

It sounds ideal
To be in love with you
There is so much appeal

Yet the potential heartache
Writhes inside my mind
A pain so strong it makes me shake

I can not let my heart break yours
I'm sorry I can't be your lover
I can't let my heart hurt another

The hardened heart is only susceptible to destruction
The quieted heart is easily shuttered
The broken heart is not easily mended
The silenced heart tries to speak louder than ever

My heart pines for yours
How do I keep it numbed
It screams and cries:
"Let me love once again!"

I'm sorry I can't
I will live with my fears
I will cage up my desires

I would rather suffer
Than succumb to heartbreak
I'll never again be hurt or hurt another